I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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