The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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