tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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