talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
