I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
