i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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