remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
