I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
