Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
