I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
