dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
