"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
