She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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