Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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