i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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