How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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