I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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