SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
