WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
