I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
