my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
