i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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