I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
being pregnant is like rehab
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
