my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
