well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
