"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
