mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
