i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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