You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
