I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
