Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
