I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
