Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
