just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
