I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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