i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
