I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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