I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
