Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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