my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
