I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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