the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
