nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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