Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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