omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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