Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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