the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
