We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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