As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
