i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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