Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
