I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
