I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
