Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
