He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
